RE-vival description

March 17, 2004.
That day is the eye of before and after.
Before, – too many years of vegetating.
Before, – described in only one word: Cornered.
After, – everything starting anew.
Learning to breathe, eat, talk, sit, stand and walk on my own feet.
Time is a factor – a Self is to be re-born.

Many people have got ”tattoos” here and there. I’ve got many.
Many people have got scars here and there. I’ve got many.

November 2009
Jan Skovgård

The hole in my throat (the machine and I)
I wake up – not just all of a sudden, rather very slowly. Slowly, over days.
And slowly I become aware that I cannot speak and that a machine is breathing for me.
(I was kept unconscious for 10 days).
Consuming takes place through a tube in my nose. In general, tubes are everywhere. Tubes for anything. Anything going in and out. Tubes everywhere and through all holes. A new hole has been cut in my throat. Through this hole runs the tube from the respirator – the machine that regulates and controls my respiration.
I cannot say anything. Not a single sound. The hole and the position of the tube prevent me from speaking. I am able to nod and shake my head.
As my Self begins to awaken and my need to express myself grows, I am being supplied with paper and pencil. I write and write, again and again, but to my frustration it is impossible to read what I am writing.
Later I have seen what I wrote. It is not legible. Waves of continuous lines, not letters, rather doodles.
But this is not the impression that I have. In my opinion I am writing. (It appears to me, that I am writing?)
Returning to the hole in my throat.
Does a hole in the throat connected to one’s windpipe – and through which some machine controls one’s respiration – cause fear?
It does not.
Not until the machine is about to be disconnected and removed.
This takes place as a result of a process – in several steps.
At first, the machine is being ”slowed down”. You must yourself work harder to adjust to new circumstances.
It makes you sweat. It is hard to learn to breathe.
And finally:
The machine is turned off.
One’s body is alert, sweat running, pulse galloping.
It is hard but you can do it, your breathing settles.
Your body calms down.
It is a great relief.
I can breathe, I can speak.
The hole in my windpipe is wide open and the false respiration running in and out of the hole is audible. It hisses.
The hole heals by itself, – surprisingly quickly.
Only the scar is left visible.

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